Read Before Ingesting Policy

Back of Box, Peel-and-Reveal Sticker

SMOLOTOV CO.THE CAST · NO. 03
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Read Before Ingesting Policy

The
Receipts.

We didn't have room to document all our discoveries, but every quote on this sticker is in the public record–his words, his interviews, his statements–peeled back and printed to reveal his true legacy. We couldn't write satire this absurd, but we sure could curate it.

Active organism · net contents
One (1) dead parasitic worm

Formulated for marginalized healthcare workers and the scientific community. Trusted by dog owners who've simply had enough. Clinically proven* to provide instant relief when applied directly to the waste generated by our nation's top health official or your dog. Ask your vet if Kennedizine is right for your pet's waste management needs. Not affiliated with, endorsed by, or approved by any federal agency. *Not clinically proven. It's a dog poop bag.

Turn the page →
Provisional Facts
Serving Size: 1 AdministrationServings: ~4 Years
Amount Per Serving · % Daily Damage
Dead BrainwormStated that a parasitic worm "ate a portion of my brain," and then died. — sworn 2012 deposition. (NYT, May 2024) (PBS)
1 worm
100%
Decommissioned Bear CubStaged in Central Park with a bicycle as a prank, 2014. Admitted it himself, 2024. (Forbes, Aug. 2024)
1 carcass
†
Reclaimed Whale SkullChainsawed off a beached whale, bungeed to the car roof, driven five hours home. (ABC News, Aug. 2024)
1 head
†
Debunked Vaccine ScienceTwo decades chairing an anti-vaccine group while the studies said no. (NYT)
25 yrs
900%
Fluoride-Removal AgentPledged to pull it from your public water on day one. (USA Today)
trace
‡
Raw, Unpasteurized MilkRecommended for the nation. Bacteria not included on label. (Newsweek)
1 gal
‡

† Not a recognized daily value — no human requires this. ‡ Percent daily value not established by anyone but him.

Warnings →
Warnings
Do not confuse with a health plan

Before ingesting public policy, consult ten thousand medical doctors, or phone your local poison control.

  • Restructured the FDA, CDC, NIH and EPA at once — mass staff departures and a loss of over 25% of the agencies' PhD scientists. (MedPage Today, Feb. 10, 2026)
  • Compared vaccine mandates to Nazi Germany and Anne Frank. Apologized. Kept the worldview. (JTA)
  • Claimed COVID was “ethnically targeted” to spare certain groups — a theory with no floor. (NY Post, July 2023)
  • As Secretary, met a measles outbreak (now at a 35-year high) with vitamin A and cod-liver oil. (Stat, Mar 2025)
  • Discontinue use if you notice a worm-shaped gap in the reasoning.

Keep away from unvaccinated children, the elderly, and vibe-coded research institutions.

Directions →
Directions For Use
1
Tear along the perforation. The bag, like this label, opens cleanly.
2
Insert hand. Collect what’s been left behind by your dog and people in power.
3
Tie off. Dispose responsibly — a courtesy the label’s subject rarely returns.
4
Repeat twice daily until 2028 or until reason, sanity, and scientific principles return.

Inactive ingredients: PBAT + PLA + Corn Starch, plant-based dye, one (1) very tired electorate.

The Point

Why Print It On A Poop Bag?

01

The truth needs a job

His record is public and mostly ignored, except on the back of this box of dog poop bags. Fitting.

02

Nothing invented

Every ingredient, warning and direction is drawn from his own words, depositions and admissions. We only added a serving size.

03

The money moves

A cut of every roll goes to progressive candidates and new media outlets reporting the facts. We want to outlive this pandemic of lies, self-dealing and whatever plague comes next.